This has been on my heart for some time, however because of my chaotic life I have been unable to put it down on screen till now In light of the little bundle of joy that my wife has been carrying for the past six months I wanted to share what I have been going through as a soon to be father. It seems like everywhere we go a group of women encircle Renee and ask the infamous question of “when are you due?” or “do you know what you are having?”. Then you get those well intentioned ladies who give advice about what to expect and how you can tell if it is a boy or girl.
I've never been surrounded by a group of men fawning over me and giving advice about fatherhood and what to expect. Instead I get a bunch of men saying things like “Well you know what you can kiss goodbye.” or “Way to get-ur-done!”. What is a man really suppose to go through while he is waiting in the wings for fatherhood to slap him in the face?
What I have been experiencing may be very different than most men go through, or maybe not, the men aren't talking. Here is what I have been experiencing for the last six months from a birds eye view.
When I heard that Renee was expecting I was excited, but I didn't jump up and down like I did the first time we found out we were pregnant. I was more skeptical this time because of our emotional loss of our first child when Renee was four weeks along. I didn't find it hard to contain my joy simply because we were figuratively holding our breathe.
When we reached the end of the first trimester the excitement still was not there for me, but Renee was so excited that she couldn't wait to tell our families the good news. I on the other hand kind of kept my silence about the hold thing. I was struggling inside whether this child was a good thing or not.
I started thinking about all of the things that I might miss because I would have to look after this new little baby. My mind started to spin out of control with thoughts like “am I ready?, can I provide for my family?, what if I fail as a father and my child turns out like those other bratty kids I see on a daily basis in my store?”.
I continued to entertain thoughts of fear, but nothing bugged me more than the thought of what if I have to give up the things I love because of this kid? As this piece of selfishness weighed on my mind I began to realize that there is nothing that would cause me to through this kid back like a fish. I began to grab hold of the fact that this baby was coming whether I wanted it to or not. I am going to be a father. As my minds eye picked up my jaw off the floor I brushed myself off and stood taller than I did the day before. I came to the realization that I have the chance to raise up a child not for my own, but for the benefit of the rest of the world.
This child could grow up to be the next Billy Graham, or better yet the next Christian rock star (ok, the last one was just for fun, but really). The baby in my wife's womb could be the next great thing and I won't trade the opportunity to be apart of it's beautiful life.
I wrote a short song about what I was feeling and the chorus says it all for me.
“And I can't wait to see your face. And I can't wait to hold your hand. I can't wait to be your daddy.”
