Tilted Halos

I am learning so much from rereading "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning. It is driving me to consider my own flaws and miss-steps in the light of God's unfailing love.
For many years I have felt as though I was serving others to actually serve myself. However, in the light of my self-image and the reflection I have seen in the mirror of my mind, I am more and more convinced that none of us truly serve selflessly. We get too wrapped up in us to see others. Sure we are serving on Sunday morning, trying to look like everything is ok, but the reality is that nothing is ok. We are broken inside and it is not in our power to fix it. In and of ourselves we are poor, slobbering fools who, without help, cannot accomplish anything of worth. We are dead and dying beings who try to make all the other messed up people around us feel as though we are less messed up than they are, all the while knowing full well that we are ten times worse off than all the others.
Why are we like this? Why do we try and hide who we really are? Why can't we just be who God created us to be? It all comes down to pride. We all have our halos on way too tight. There is a certain sect of people, however, who know they are worthless and do nothing to hide it. These are people who some of us as Christians view as nasty, unlovable, undesirable, useless, and hell bound.
It is interesting that those of use who come from middle class family's that struggle, but are still ok, find it so difficult to accept a loving Savior. I think it is because we do not know our own filth. But the alcoholic who wakes in the gutter, the prostitute who turns five tricks a night, the drug addict that crashed down from his high, they know that are worthless, unlovable, and undesirable. This view of themselves makes the truth of Jesus Christ so much easier to accept. It is because they have received unconditional love for what seems like the first time. When I think of this sect of people I tend to think of the brother of the prodigal son. I try to put myself in his shoes (and it comes all to naturally). He stayed home. Worked for his father like a good boy should while his brother waisted his father's inheritance on women and fast living. When the prodigal finally returns home the father throws a party for the fool. I can see where the brother would get upset. I would be too. The only difference between the prodigal and his brother is that the prodigal realized he was worthless without his father, the brother never did. The prodigal realized he needed a savior because he couldn't get out of the filth of the pig pen on his own.
My halo has been far too tight. It needs to be loosened a bit. I have been far to consumed with myself to see that true grace was waiting for me to realize that I was sitting in a pig pen eating slop. The awesomeness of God's grace is that "nothing can ever separate you (or me) from the love of God made visible in Christ Jesus our Lord". As Manning writes,

                        "Are you afraid that your weakness could separate you from the love of Christ?
                          It can't."
                        "Are you afraid that your inadequacies could separate you from the love of
                          Christ? They can't."
                        "Are you afraid that your inner poverty could separate you from the love of
                         Christ? It can't."
                        "Difficult marriage, loneliness, anxiety over the children's future? They can't."
                        "Negative self-image? It can't."
                        "Economic hardship, racial hatred, street crime? They can't."
                        "Rejection by loved ones of the suffering of loved ones? They can't."
                        "Persecution by authorities, going to jail? They can't."
                        "Nuclear war? It can't."
                        "Mistakes, fears, uncertainties? They can't."
                        "You must be convinced of this, trust it, and never forget to remember. Everything
                         else will pass away, but the love of Christ is the same yesterday, today, and
                         forever. Faith will become vision, hope will become possessions, but the love
                        of Jesus Christ that is stronger than death endures forever. In the end, it is the
                        one thing you can hang onto." (Manning, 1990)

Reference

Manning, B. (1990). The Ragamuffin Gospel. Self Published. 

Undoing of the Ragamuffin Gospel

I have come to the conclusion in the past few weeks that I have a problem with grace. I have accepted the fact that Jesus Christ died for my sin, however I never really accepted the grace that Christ's death has wrought. For many years I have worked hard for the cause of Christ, but I have gotten lost in serving rather than simply focusing on the One who served all and this is the undoing of the ragamuffin gospel.
According to Manning "the danger with our good works, spiritual investments, and all the rest of it is that we can construct a picture of ourselves in which we situate our self-worth". This is definitely where I would consider myself for the past years. I have constructed a cozy little life for myself in which I find my self-worth in all of the (while good meaning, yet destructive) activities of Christianity. I served in Church so that I would feel better about myself not to serve others out of the overflow of my heart. To be honest, I'm not sure in all of my years of ministry if there was ever a time when I had an overflow of the heart. I did allot of things in Church and other places in the name of Jesus just so that I wouldn't be lonely, not so that others would hear about Jesus or so "that they would see my good works and glorify the Lord". I served for me. I served me. In all of my service to the Church I served me, not the Church.
The realization of this is a hard pill to swallow. In fact it is more like swallowing an over stuffed pillow. How can one "serve" thinking they are serving the Church when really they are only self-serving? The danger in going back to Church (which we haven't done since we left our last one a few months ago) is that I am afraid I will dive back into the self-serving, self-destructive, rut of "serving" myself in the Church.
I need to find my worth in Christ, not in the Church. I realize I am part of the Church, and I am the Church, but others are also the Church and I continually loss myself in serving the Church rather than being the Church. Jesus didn't come to create self-serving servers, He came to create others-serving servers. I have come to realize that in order to become an others-serving server I need to find my worth in Christ not in others, because I am not really serving if I feel I have to be accepted by someone, especially God. God already accepts me as I am. He is continually working in me and through me, no matter if I choose to work within the Church or not. I am somebody because somebody died for me. Somebody chose to give up their life because they thought I was "worth" it. I did nothing to deserve a free gift like that. I didn't even know the person who died for me, and yet He still died for me. That is where my worth comes from, not from handing out bulletins at Church, or leading worship.
Once again, this life turns out to be not about you, me, or us, it is all about Him, God, the Creator of all things. Sometimes the undoing of the ragamuffin gospel can lead to its mending.

Extraordinarily Great Value

It is clear throughout the Gospels that Jesus would much rather spend His time with the ragamuffins of society than the religious leaders of His day. Not that He loved them any less, I believe He loved them just the same as all the rest, but His love for them was more of a disciplinarian type love.
Jesus hung out with the least of these for several reasons. 1) He loved being with people who knew they were not what He created them to be. He loved being with those who needed the healing He could offer. 2) He wanted to give us a picture of what we are to do. Jesus wasn't just for that time in history He is for all of history. Our calendar even revolves around when Jesus came to earth (B.C, A.D). When Jesus showed up the world had never known anyone so loving, so forgiving, so Holy.
As I continue to read The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning I am being reminded of all of the things that Christ meant and means to us as His followers today. As of late I have been struggling with feeling as though I have fallen off of the religious bandwagon and found myself sitting in my living room on Sunday mornings relaxing and spending precious time with my family. I guess that is the trade off when one is volunteering 20 hours a week to church ministry.
Near the end of my time at my last church I was feeling that I was going to have to choose between my family or the church. One doesn't get in much family time when working 50 hours a week and volunteering 20 hours at church. I was completely overwhelmed by guilt when I was at church and away from my family and the opposite when I was with my family. I found myself giving myself guilt trips in my mind. "You should be working on those songs for Sunday," or "You should be spending time with your wife and son instead of spending your time practicing." It was a back and forth battle for my allegiance and I could not continue.
I have been enjoying the time I have been able to spend with my family these last few weeks, but I still have this nagging guilt that says, "you should be in church, whats wrong with you?" It is a terrible feeling. However, I read this today from Manning, "He (meaning Jesus) was well aware of their feelings of shame and inferiority, and because of His compassion they were, in His eyes, of extraordinarily great value. As far as He was concerned, they had nothing to fear. The kingdom was theirs." I gotta tell you, I nearly started to cry when I read these words. First of all because God thinks that I am  of "extraordinarily great value" and second that I have nothing to fear, the kingdom (according to Jesus) is mine! What an awesome thought to ponder in the light of such trying times.

The Ragamuffin Gospel Continued

As I continue to read this powerful book on the grace of God I found afresh what I have seemed to overlook for so long. The apostle Paul makes one of the strongest and most life changing statements in the history of mankind. "All that I can say is that I forget the past and I strain ahead for what is still to come". (Philippians 3:13) If you have read anything about Paul you should know that in his pre-christian years he was a christian killing machine. He would lead bands of Jews to different towns just to beat, imprison, torture, and kill Christians. He was witness to the first person (besides Jesus) to ever lay his life down for Christ, Stephen. In fact as Stephen was being stoned the men doing the stoning laid their cloaks at his feet. Paul was not a very nice man. Then, like God must do with so many of us He knocked Paul on his ever lovin' behind and told him to stop killing Christians. Now, I don't know allot about God, but one thing I do know is that when God sits you down on your backside there is nothing you can do but listen.

Long story short, Paul converts to Christianity and starts preaching the word of God to anyone who will listen. So how does a guy like Paul forget the awful things that he had done in his past? I mean, I feel that I have done some pretty crummy things in my time, but how does one forgive himself for killing people he would now love?

When Christ died on the cross all of our past failures, miss steps, and mishaps were forgotten. They are vaporized in the bug zapper of history. The past no longer matters. It is only the future, what is to come, that matters.
Stay tuned, there is still so much to be learned and shared about The Ragamuffin Gospel. Join in, I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Feel free to comment.

The Ragamuffin Gospel

A few weeks ago I purchased a book from a used book section in a store. "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning. I had previously borrowed and read this book a few years back, but I felt I needed to read it again. I was lucky enough to stumble upon a first edition hardcover. I love finding first edition books. They still have some imperfections with spelling and with this particular book the type looks as though it was printed with a typewriter. All of this aside "The Ragamuffin Gospel" is an amazing read.
As I was reading last night I ran across this quote that really struck me.

          "Fyodor Dostoyevsky caught the shock and scandal of the gospel of grace when he wrote: 'At
           the last Judgment Christ will say to us, 'Come, you also! Come, drunkards! Come, weaklings!
           Come, children of shame!' And he will say to us: 'Vile beings, you who are in the image of the
           beast and bear his mark, but come all the same, you as well.' nd the wise and prudent will say,
           'Lord, why do you welcome them?' And he will say: 'If I welcome them, you wise men, if I
           welcome them, you prudent men, it is because not one of them has ever been judged worthy.'
           And he will stretch out his arms, and we will fall at his feet, and we will cry out sobbing, and
           then we will understand all, we will understand the Gospel of grace! Lord, your kingdom come!"

"Will Christ actually welcome those who are marked by the evil one?" This was the first question I found myself asking after reading this quote. The answer I came up with is "I don't know". The gospel of grace is such a mystery to us as humans because we can't really grasp the vastness of God's grace. How are we to take hold of something that is so all encompassing as grace? Even the premise of Holy, God given, all covering grace is so hard for us to take hold of and accept that we in the church had to come up with a way to some how still attach duty to the free gift of grace. "All you have to do is pray this prayer". When you have to put the words "all you have to do" before you can receive grace it takes away the word "free" from "free gift of grace". If you have to do something for free grace, the grace really isn't free. There is nothing we can do earn God's grace. It isn't saying a set of words that will get you into heaven. It is simply knowing that God is offering free grace and you receive it.
This old hymn written by William R. Newell has been running through my head all night: "Mercy there was great, and grace was free; Pardon there was multiplied to me; There my burdened soul found liberty, At Calvary." This chorus certainly does display the freeness of God's grace.
I know this blog seems incomplete but I plan on discussing the gospel of grace much further as I continue to work my way through the book "The Ragamuffin Gospel" and I hope that it may help those who may be struggling with accepting the fact that there is nothing a person can do to earn God's grace.

Weekend of Firsts

It has been a great weekend! The leaves have been falling at a steady pace this week and so I took advantage of my weekend off to rake a few of the leaves into a large pile for me and Marcus to jump in. This was the first time Marcus has played in the leaves and he really wasn't too sure about those crunchy, itchy, things that were all over the ground. However, after I showed him how it was done by falling backward into the large pile he felt somewhat more at ease about touching them. He didn't really want to get into the pile, but he had fun tossing the leaves up in the air and feeling them fall on his head.
That was last night. This morning we were out side again playing and I felt I need to take care of the large pile of leaves I had created the night before. After removing the pile from the lawn and spending several minutes chuckling at our neighbor who was using a blower to clear his lawn (which took him twice as long as me) I decided to grab a drink from the hose. It didn't take long for Marcus to want to try it too.
What a wonderful weekend of firsts for the little guy. First playing in the leaves and then a drink from the garden hose. There are few moments that can make a father more proud than I was this weekend.
As I told Renee this morning, sometimes things like that just melt your heart. I couldn't be prouder of my little ragamuffin!

The Weight of Our Words

The other night my family and I were out for our nightly run. We had just started out when we were stopped by someone from our former church who just moved into a rental house down the street. She was just leaving and jumped out of her car and ran over to my wife and I and gave us both a big hug. Both my wife and I got the feeling that there may be some rumors going around about the reasons we left the church. You see the first thing out of this persons mouth was "I have been so worried about you guys". Now why would she need to be worried about us. We have a strong marriage, a strong family, and a healthy support system behind us.
As we talked about our encounter later that evening my wife and I couldn't come up with any other opinion than there must be some rumors being spread around. Now my wife and I have been Christ followers for quite a few years now and we both know that gossip and rumors are one of the most destructive things to occur in the church.
My dad has been the pastor of a small church for 25 years and I can tell you that I have seen people be ripped to shreds by the words of others in the church. To be honest I can see why people outside the church would think twice about becoming apart of it. Christians seem to rip each other apart if they get the chance and to be honest I have been guilty of this sin myself.
All of us as Christ followers need to check ourselves before we wreck our relationships with those inside and outside the church. So just stop and think before you speak, and if you find someone saying something hurtful about someone else walk away or stop them in their tracks before they cause allot more harm than good.

Talking in my sleep has been fairly harmless until last night when I apparently woke my husband up at midnight and told him there was a bat in our room. (If you know Aaron, you know he has an incredible fear of bats...) He kicked me out of the room, wielded his weapon of choice (broom) and checked the bedroom for the bat. Meanwhile, out in the hallway, I started to wake up enough to realize I had no idea what was going on.

He still doesn't find it as humorous as I do.

I love you Aaron - thank you for being my protector!

Sweet Songs From the Bathroom

This evening my wife took me out to Applebees for my 30th birthday. She invited some of my closest friends and we sat around the table talking it up. My wife sends me to the bathroom with my son to change his diaper. As I am in the restroom with my sons dirty rear facing me I hear the mysterious sounds of singing coming through the restroom door. Just a minute later I hear the mysterious singing stop abruptly. And then it happened! I hear clapping and laughing. All of the sudden the bathroom door flings wide open and two of the worst singing waiters start to singing... "happy, happy birthday from Applebees to you. Happy, Happy birthday"... blah, blah, blah.
My son nearly fell off of the baby changing table when these far from professional singers came bursting through the door. I thought this was the best birthday song in the world!!! I have never been wished happy birthday in a bathroom, and an Applebees bathroom at that. Thanks babe, this was an unforgettable birthday dinner ever!!