I have come to the conclusion in the past few weeks that I have a problem with grace. I have accepted the fact that Jesus Christ died for my sin, however I never really accepted the grace that Christ's death has wrought. For many years I have worked hard for the cause of Christ, but I have gotten lost in serving rather than simply focusing on the One who served all and this is the undoing of the ragamuffin gospel.
According to Manning "the danger with our good works, spiritual investments, and all the rest of it is that we can construct a picture of ourselves in which we situate our self-worth". This is definitely where I would consider myself for the past years. I have constructed a cozy little life for myself in which I find my self-worth in all of the (while good meaning, yet destructive) activities of Christianity. I served in Church so that I would feel better about myself not to serve others out of the overflow of my heart. To be honest, I'm not sure in all of my years of ministry if there was ever a time when I had an overflow of the heart. I did allot of things in Church and other places in the name of Jesus just so that I wouldn't be lonely, not so that others would hear about Jesus or so "that they would see my good works and glorify the Lord". I served for me. I served me. In all of my service to the Church I served me, not the Church.
The realization of this is a hard pill to swallow. In fact it is more like swallowing an over stuffed pillow. How can one "serve" thinking they are serving the Church when really they are only self-serving? The danger in going back to Church (which we haven't done since we left our last one a few months ago) is that I am afraid I will dive back into the self-serving, self-destructive, rut of "serving" myself in the Church.
I need to find my worth in Christ, not in the Church. I realize I am part of the Church, and I am the Church, but others are also the Church and I continually loss myself in serving the Church rather than being the Church. Jesus didn't come to create self-serving servers, He came to create others-serving servers. I have come to realize that in order to become an others-serving server I need to find my worth in Christ not in others, because I am not really serving if I feel I have to be accepted by someone, especially God. God already accepts me as I am. He is continually working in me and through me, no matter if I choose to work within the Church or not. I am somebody because somebody died for me. Somebody chose to give up their life because they thought I was "worth" it. I did nothing to deserve a free gift like that. I didn't even know the person who died for me, and yet He still died for me. That is where my worth comes from, not from handing out bulletins at Church, or leading worship.
Once again, this life turns out to be not about you, me, or us, it is all about Him, God, the Creator of all things. Sometimes the undoing of the ragamuffin gospel can lead to its mending.
According to Manning "the danger with our good works, spiritual investments, and all the rest of it is that we can construct a picture of ourselves in which we situate our self-worth". This is definitely where I would consider myself for the past years. I have constructed a cozy little life for myself in which I find my self-worth in all of the (while good meaning, yet destructive) activities of Christianity. I served in Church so that I would feel better about myself not to serve others out of the overflow of my heart. To be honest, I'm not sure in all of my years of ministry if there was ever a time when I had an overflow of the heart. I did allot of things in Church and other places in the name of Jesus just so that I wouldn't be lonely, not so that others would hear about Jesus or so "that they would see my good works and glorify the Lord". I served for me. I served me. In all of my service to the Church I served me, not the Church.
The realization of this is a hard pill to swallow. In fact it is more like swallowing an over stuffed pillow. How can one "serve" thinking they are serving the Church when really they are only self-serving? The danger in going back to Church (which we haven't done since we left our last one a few months ago) is that I am afraid I will dive back into the self-serving, self-destructive, rut of "serving" myself in the Church.
I need to find my worth in Christ, not in the Church. I realize I am part of the Church, and I am the Church, but others are also the Church and I continually loss myself in serving the Church rather than being the Church. Jesus didn't come to create self-serving servers, He came to create others-serving servers. I have come to realize that in order to become an others-serving server I need to find my worth in Christ not in others, because I am not really serving if I feel I have to be accepted by someone, especially God. God already accepts me as I am. He is continually working in me and through me, no matter if I choose to work within the Church or not. I am somebody because somebody died for me. Somebody chose to give up their life because they thought I was "worth" it. I did nothing to deserve a free gift like that. I didn't even know the person who died for me, and yet He still died for me. That is where my worth comes from, not from handing out bulletins at Church, or leading worship.
Once again, this life turns out to be not about you, me, or us, it is all about Him, God, the Creator of all things. Sometimes the undoing of the ragamuffin gospel can lead to its mending.
2 comments:
For what it's worth...your "self-serving" service has brought me into a closer relationship or openness to the Holy Spirit on many occasions.
So even if now you are concluding that you were serving yourself, know that God used that to serve others. It might not change what your intention was at the time, or how you are reflecting on it today, but God has used you in a mighty way. And if I had to guess, he ain't done with you yet.
So I guess I can sum up my sentiment by saying "Thanks for your selfish serving!"
Now these are just my opinions, but I do not think you were always serving out of selfishness. If so I don't know if God would have lead you to pick songs that truly spoke to the hearts of many.
I understand that being a worship leader is very hard place to serve, because sometimes you don't get to see the effects of your work for Jesus. Like any ministry, at times it feels like you are putting so much time and effort into it and getting nothing in return. But even if you are getting nothing in return others do get something out of it.
You were an excellent worship leader as Ken said. You do serve others. You are a good father to little Marcus, and a good husband to Renee. You have been good friends to James and me. You follow God, you spend time with him. In the midst of it all don't beat yourself up too much (I think a little bit is okay, otherwise we wouldn't push to better ourselves!) But do not believe the lies of Satan that you did it all for yourself all the years of your ministry. You have lead many people closer to Christ, and even if you fall down or mess up at times. God will always be there to pick you up. That is the goodness of God's grace. He knows you are human, we are bound to be selfish at times.
Praying for you guys.
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